Stereotypes

I think that stereotypes and the way society views you has a major impact in how you see yourself. My children are twenty one and sixteen needing to wear the most stylish clothes including Abercrombie and Fitch, Hollister and many more. I think this type of behavior is more common in teens and young adults since they are finding out who they are.  Sadly we live in a society where the negative characteristics of a person stick out more so than the good ones including looks. If you don't look "cool" but have a good personality not many people will want to approach you. "A study revealed that job interviewers were likely to reject a candidate who revealed negative information even when the rest of the information about the candidate is positive." That goes to show that negative sticks out much more than positive, thats why we feel like we have to dress and look out best in fear of walking out of the house being judged in a negative way. Although this problem will never end along as there is hollywood and television giving us one definition what beautiful is, its up to us to try and teach our children it really is the inside what counts after all.

References:

Looking Out Looking In 12th edition

Chapter 3 

Saving Face

Im a person who tries to make the peace with everyone in my household no matter what, especially my children. My husband can be very strict which is a great thing since I'm such a "softy." My children have simple chores to do around the house each day which consist of making their beds, letting the dogs outside and unloading the dishwasher. A few weeks ago my son went to his friends house but was told first he had to do his household chores. When I got home from work his bed was unmade and the dishwasher was full. Knowing that my husband would be home in about an hour I decided to do his chores myself to save him from getting grounded.  Knowing this was wrong I called him and made an agreement. I told him that when he got home he had to help me out around the house which he agreed to do. I think this is okay once in a while as long as he knows what he did was wrong and makes up for it. I would consider myself the glue to our family and try to keep the peace as much as I can. Saving face isn't always right but I think with minor things such as this it can be okay.

Attacking the Critic

My daughter and I started weight watchers last month with great results so far. My husband and son can be very rude and make sure they comment on something if they think it's not in our "diet" plan. With weight watchers you can eat chocolate, chips even fast food but in moderation. I know that they are just trying to help us stay on track but I get very defensive since there not bean poles themselves. I am attacking the critic using verbal aggression because its something I don't want to hear, which can turn into an argument. My husband and son don't mean to hurt my feelings but they like to use sarcasm which I take the wrong way. I found out with me that if not comfortable with something about myself its easy to get defensive and feel threatened even though its my family and they would never try to hurt me. I need to learn to just brush this issue off and not get so worked up about it. I'm a person that can take a lot of jokes and sarcasm unless its something that I'm trying to change and I'm insecure with.  I'm learning to sit back an evaluate the whole situation before I make a rational decision that leaves everyone feeling upset. We are both down about twelve pounds so I guess in time they will learn to shut themselves up once we reach our desired goal weight!

Intimacy

In our last discussion we discussed intimacy and if we think it could work online.  My sister recently got a divorce and she is now trying the "online dating."  She has met a few men from match.com and other websites.  She said that the connection was there almost immediately with the current man she is seeing now.  I think that you can feel connected with someone if you have the same common interests but I believe people get this confused with intimacy.  I think that people can act one way over the internet and completely different in person.  I think intimacy requires touch and eye contact.  Body language is another huge factor and how someone uses it towards you.  I have heard success stories about people finding their soulmate online which is great, I just think that intimacy comes after meeting in person. This is my general opinion however "researchers know now that computer meditated communication (CMC) can be just as personal as face to face."  I agree that CMC can be very personal because your hiding behind a screen and not as worried as being judge, but still think that being personal and intimate are two different things.  Either way its up to the person and how they truly feel, everyone has there own opinion on intimacy so I think its hard to sum it up into one general category.

References: 

Looking Out Looking In; Chapter 9

Lying

I have always tried to teach my children that lying isn't the best policy however, through their teenage years I feel that it's impossible to get 100% of the truth all of the time.  I have a sixteen year old son that lies about the silliest things.  There is one thing that happened recently that comes to mind.  I called my son and asked him to let the dogs out, he said he would and I know how he can get distracted by the computer so I called back thirty minutes later to make sure he had done so.  He said he did and they all went to the bathroom.  I then called my daughter to see what she was doing.  She told me that she and the dogs went to Petco and the dog park so they could run and have been gone for a few hours!  The more I thought about the situation the more mad I got, why did he have to lie about that! That proved to me he was just lazy and really wasn't going to let them out if they were there.  Lying has many effects on how someone will perceive you, from this small lie it's going to be hard to trust him when he says he let the dogs out.  I wouldn't say this damage our relationship but put a dent into our trust.  "Research has shown that lying does in fact threaten relationships."  I know that this is something minor and most teens go through so I don't take it to heart, I just know I have to keep a close eye on him and constantly remind him lying is not the best policy.

Looking Out Looking In Ch.9

Maintenance

I have found out through the years that my past and present relationships require a lot of maintenance.  There are five keys items that every relationship must have to be healthy and strong ; positivity, openness, assurance, social networks and sharing.  If you are missing one of these five things it may be a long rough road ahead.  This subject reminds me of my daughter and he ex boyfriend Trevor.  From what I saw they had three out of the five, which lead them to breaking up.  I believe they were both guilty in the process of breaking up.  My daughter lost touch with many of her friends because she was spending all of her time with Trevor.  It seemed as if they were together constantly with little to no time alone.  I have been married for many years and I believe having space and many friends is crucial in having a successful relationship.  It seemed that Trevor criticized my daughter quit often over small things.  They would argue and fight over something as stupid as were they wanted to eat.  I thought how childish, but now that I look back it all boiled down to them not having space from each other which I know from experience, to much time together can wear on people.  "Keeping the relational climate polite and upbeat and also avoiding criticism."  I have walked in on the arguing and saying very hurtful things to each other like" your hair looks horrible, I would be embarrassed to go in public."  I think that both of them are glad the relationship is over because it gradually kept getting worse and worse.  I told her to learn from this and if you see any warnings signs that a person doesn't have all of these qualities they may not be best for you.

References:

Looking out Looking In 12Th edition Ch 8. 

Body language

It's amazing how much someone's body language can lead communication in a positive or negative direction.  This reminds me of my daughters ex boyfriend Trevor.  Towards the end of their relationship he had no respect for her, my husband or I.  I would notice he would constantly have an attitude that he just didn't care.  When I would speak to him it became very uncomfortable because there was no eye contact, he had poor posture, his body was turned away from me and you could just tell he could care less what I had to say. "By turning your body slightly away from the intruder you can make your feelings very clear."  When picking up on someone doing this behavior to you it becomes very uncomfortable, especially when it's taking place in your own home.  It is stated that you can tell by someone's posture what kind of mood they are in if it being sad, happy, or angry.  Before taking this class I never payed much attention to non verbal communication but now thats the main thing I look at.  It's really interesting how much you can read people by sitting back and observing their behaviors.  

References:

Looking Out Looking In 12th edition page 215

Mindless Listening

I am guilty in engaging in mindless listening when my mother calls me." Mindless Listening occurs when we react to others messages automatically and routinely without much mental investment." I know this is a horrible thing but it's very easy to do with the conversations she wants to talk about.  A few days ago she called me just to see how things were going.  This turned into a two and a half hour conversation about absolutely nothing.  For example, she will ramble on about her great aunts sisters daughters cousin which I don't know and could careless how they are doing in school.  When she calls I sometimes will watch TV, write an email and just act like im listening to her by automatically saying things like uh huh, yes, and oh really when I have no idea what she just said.  I'm normally a mindful listener with the people that I care about, but selfishly when it's something irrelevant and unimportant my mind tends to wander.  I think that my mother can sometimes pick up on this behavior but takes it with a grain of salt.  I think I shouldn't take her words for granted as much as I do because one day she won't be around and I will wish she was talking about silly things just to hear her voice.

References:

Looking Out Looking In Chapter 7, page 235

Equivocal Language

A friend of mine just got a new hair style and color last week which I think looks terrible!  Her cousin is going through cosmetology school and my friend Tina was her guinea pig for a new cut and color.  Her hair was blonde and now is purple-black and really washes her fair complexion out, and the cut looks choppy and uneven.  Tina asked my opinion of her new hair style, I simply said "It's really different and its good to change your style if you're bored with your look.  I really wanted to say, Oh my God! what did you do to your hair!  "Equivocal language consists of statements that have more than one commonly accepted definition.  It helps people get along by avoiding the kind of honesty and clarity that can embarrass both the speaker and listener."  I have now learned through past experiences in my life that being totally honest is not always the best policy.  I have hurt a lot of people's feelings by being to straight forward, I know that pain all to well.  I bought a new outfit that I loved and  asked my husband's opinion, he told me it made me look "fat" OUCH!  It's best to have an understanding of everyone's feelings because no one wants to feel like they don't belong or fit in.

References: Looking Out Looking In Chapter 5

Relative Language

My brother in law and his wife have a bad habit of not showing up when they're supposed to and then of course showing up when they're unexpected.  I think this is very rude, last weekend my brother in law Mark and his wife said "maybe" we will stop over this Saturday, have dinner and play cards.  I assumed they were coming so I made dinner and appetizers expecting them to show up around six or seven, at eight o clock there was still no sign of them.  I learned that the next time someone says "maybe" well stop over I won't be so quick to prepare and plan the whole evening.  "Using relative terms without explaining them can lead to communication problems."  I only assumed they would show up because last time they said "maybe" they ended up coming.  I have now learned to get a clear definite answer because it can change my whole day of preparing and planning.  "Some relative terms are so common that we mistakenly assume they have clear meaning."  I can only blame myself because Mark never said for sure he and his wife were coming.  I know he felt bad so maybe next time he will be more clear also. 

Gender

I have had many experiences with how gender can play very different roles in understanding emotions.  If I had a bad day at work or am feeling upset I talk to my daughter, it's not that my husband doesn't understand, he just doesn't express his emotions the same way I do.  "Research on emotional expression suggests that there is at least some truth in the cultural stereotype of the unexpressive male and the expressive female."  I'm not sure if it's because men are taught from childhood to be tough and hide your emotions or if it goes much deeper than that including hormones and genetic make-up.  I think that it's more of a status to maintain than anything.  The saying goes "men are from mars and woman are from venus" even though we are the same species we can be completely different.  Overall woman think about emotions more than men do, so if a man forgets your birthday try to cut him a little slack, it's not that he is trying to make you upset, he just really did forget.  "A team of psychologists tested men and woman's recall of emotional images and found that females were 10 to 15 percent more accurate in remembering them."  I believe this is something that will never change just because of who we are, they say opposites attract and I think this is proof enough!

Managing Difficult Emotions

A patient at my work is dying of cancer, she has been very strong emotionally up until last week.  Gwen's doctor decided to quit chemotherapy because it has spread all over her body.  Gwen talked about how afraid she is of dying.  I had hugged her and we both cried, I have a lot of sympathy for her.  "Emotions have several dimensions, they are signaled by internal physiological changes manifested by non verbal reactions and defined in most cases by cognitive interpretation."  Gwen is fifty-four and has five grown children and eight grandchildren.  She expressed emotionally how it is tearing her family to pieces and is very worried about all the people she will be leaving behind.  Her battle with cancer is getting the best of her and she knows her time is limited.  Gwen has a hard time expressing her emotions to her family because she has always been the strong one, she tells her children and grand children it's okay to die and there is nothing to be afraid of, then goes to a quiet room and breaks down.  "The way a parent talks to their children about emotions has a powerful effect of the child's development."  The coaching approach gives children skills for communicating about feelings later on in their life that leads to much more satisfying relationships.

References:

Looking Out Looking In 12th edition 

Chapter four

EMPATHY

My friend Lisa has two teenage girls,that are very rude and disrespectful.  Lisa is a single mom and struggles daily to be a good parent.  I've been trying to get her into family counseling.  I have a lot of empathy for her, she is trying her best to be a go0d mom.  "Empathy has an emotional dimension that help us get closer to experiencing others feelings."  I think her daughters would respect her more if they had rules and better boundaries.  It's easy for me to think I would handle her problems better if I were in her shoes.  I feel her pain and I try to help her the best I can.  It is hard to raise kids if they do not respect you.  I've noticed with my kids, I do get the respect I deserve, they know there boundaries and they are properly disciplined when necessary.  Lisa never disciplined her girls when they were little and now she feels it's to late.  "When we empathize we go beyond just thinking and feeling as others do genuinely care about their well being.  Lisa feels guilty for leaving her daughters father, she tried to compensate them by spoiling them rotten.  She knows now she did more damage than good.  I will be there for her no matter what. " When you empathize the experience becomes your own, at least for the moment.  "It may be impossible to ever experience another persons perspective completely, but with enough effort we can gain a better idea of how the world appears to him or her."  

References:

Looking out Looking In 12th edition  page 112

Empathy

My neighbor Jill is going through a tough year, her husband died last summer of throat cancer therefor  I have a lot of empathy for her.  I'm trying to help her with her emotional pain.  Her daughter is handicapped and her son is in trouble with the law constantly.  People think she's a bitter women until you get to know her.  I think the best therapy is to just let people open up and talk.  It must be terrible to fake who you really are.  In todays busy society everyone is so wrapped up in their own lives, people like Jill get forgotten about, I feel I get more emotionally close to people the older I get.  Depression or an illness can cause people to have the wrong perception about themselves.  Bad things do happen in the world to loved ones and friends.  Empathy plays a huge role in how they will heal and open up, I believe that one of my strengths is trying to put myself in another persons shoes,  it gives me a better understanding of their needs. Empathy is a great quality to help people in their journey toward happiness.                        

Self Concept

My friend Linda has a bad concept of who she was.  In her marriage she lost her identity and her self esteem, married for thirteen years and thankfully going through a divorce.  Her soon to be ex-husband emotionally abused her and their children.  Linda used to be a "social butterfly", had a lot of friends and a terrific uplifting personality but after being told for thirteen years how ugly and stupid she was, I think unfortunately she started believing that.  Linda gained about eighty pounds, stopped going to social events and became extremely depressed, it is really disturbing that her husband changed her whole identity of herself.  Linda and her children are now in counseling  and getting great results.  Positive people in your life gives you an acceptance of yourself, I also believe that critical people probably were once victims of some type of abuse themselves and feel much better while breaking other people down.  They tend not to like really happy people because their depression and anger appears deeper.  I think one of the most important things in life is to never lose your self image once you have found it.  There are usually red flags and warnings that someone is a bad person when someone has a negative self concept of themselves.  People should value who they are and focus on positive goals, if you don't accept who you are no one else will either.  Great self esteem is crucial to develop a healthy happy life and influence your children in a positive way.

Different Environments

People come from different backgrounds, cultures and have dealt with certain experiences which make us all unique in our own way.  I have a handicapped neighbor that has very different experiences than I do.  She has daily struggles everyday that I can imagine, but never really know what its like.  We come from different "environments" but still can communicate in a way that we understand a respect each other.  Sarah is young and inexperienced in life, but yet looks up to me.  Even with our different environments and lifestyles we still have a lot of things in common and interests we share.  She comes over everyday after school until her mother gets home from work.  We go on walks, make things out of crafts and have many laughs together.  During this course I can relate to one of the core competencies we discussed being, "Behavior Flexibility".  Behavior flexibility means that you can determine the appropriate communication in different settings and with different people.  For example, I would not discuss the same things I would with my friends, that I would with Sarah.  There for I am also able to adapt to different environments with different people, which makes me versatile in my communication skills.

Computer Mediated Communication- Sister

For my first blog I'm going to write about my sister who is recently going through a divorce. Our main way of communicating is computer mediated communication (CMC). With both of our busy lifestyles that is the most efficient way to communicate. Through CMC even though it's not vocally expressed she can still get the message I'm relaying to her and how she should take it. Through the Internet we still feel very connected. Although there is nothing as personal as face to face communication it's convenient with our lifestyles. Some times I enjoy CMC rather that face to face communication. Through an email there is no awkwardness, no silence and you can think before you type something. One of my weak points is one of the seven core competencies: "holding up my end of the communication. I'm a much better listener than talker so email is defiantly my preferred way of communication. 160 I think that my sister enjoys talking to me because it fulfills her social and identity needs. Socially she needs to communicate with me for companionship and to escape from her everyday stresses. I believe she needs me to help her find her identity again. I think that she lost who she was during her marriage, now single and alone she doesn't know who she has become as an individual .